Give and take

So, I read this line today:
"Constantly giving to others at the expense of your own needs builds resentment and anger."

I know now why I have been so angry for most of the major relationships in my life. I have always given more of myself in hopes that it will return to me in the same way. I have always wanted a few things. At one point, I wanted to have a family...a sweet little family with all the components....the mom, the dad, the baby, the house, the car, the two jobs, the fun at the park after work/school, and so on. I had that for, well....never. Before I had the baby part, that whole dream went down the toilet.

Let's just say that I moved on from dreaming of that perfect family dream.

Next, I wanted to be the "hot young girlfriend" of the stable, classy, sophisticated older gentleman. I wanted to be the center of his world...wanted to be wanted more than anything or anyone else. I had that for about 3 months. He was super-hot, very stable, not educated, but sophisticated and classy enough to know for what all the forks and spoons in a full place setting are used. Older...yeah...gentleman...enough. He ended up lying to me in order to get into my life and to impress me. I gave him forgiveness, but the trust was broken by month four. So, there went the dream of being with that stable gentleman. It was all a lie...and I put in a ton of effort...put in a ton of energy at the expense of my own needs, and I got the shaft.

Once again, I moved on from dreaming of that sweet May-September romance dream.

So....now, I'm wondering if I'm ever gonna find that dream. Does anyone ever find it?

My therapist told me that I needed to ask for what I wanted...she said that giving of myself will not get me what I want. The whole idea, though, is to be treated like I treat others. I guess I wish that, when I give all of myself to a friend, family member, or loved one, I want that right back in return. I treat those persons EXACTLY how I would like to be treated.

From what I have learned from the past, I am totally gonna get screwed every time. I asked for a marriage that worked....a marriage between two partners that communicated, that shared, that loved, and that worked through everything together. Got the shaft on that one. I asked for honesty...I asked to be wanted. Didn't happen. So, should I even attempt to ask anymore?

So much for that....

So...I've been meaning to write for a while. I've gone through a multitude of ups and downs in the last couple of weeks. Now, I'm just finally getting a little caught up...not completely, but at least I have a sense of where I am, and I'm still on my feet.

What's been bothering me the most is this strange, odd lack of intense feelings...well, there was a huge, mega-dose of intense feelings toward the end of last week, but I am starting to think that is all some sort of pattern.

Bigger picture is that of my relationship with Michael. I know, there are so many Michaels in my life...I am referring to the current boyfriend. I am having such a hard time putting my feelings into words about him, but I just started realizing that I am back to feeling like I have in the past when I have been with someone. Somehow, the honeymoon period is over. It's really been a nice ride, but things have changed for sure.

Don't wanna get into it right now, but I am starting to wonder if this is how love is always gonna be....or if I had something that was close to real, or that was REALLY real, but now, it's just back to being one more ring around the rosies...pocket full of posies...ashes, ashes, we all fall down!

Celeration

So....I've been on a whirlwind of a week this week. Been trying to improve upon my organizational and time management skills. It has worked, but only slightly. I am caught up on my homework, but I still feel like I have a million things hanging over my head.

Mostly, though, I wanted to touch base about my relationship with Michael. I know I usually don't write about something so personal in such an obvious manner, but I need to expound on some feelings here. It's been really, really interesting. We have known each other for years, and we have come to know each other quite well over the last four months since we started dating. This last weekend, however, was a turning point. We got into an argument or two this weekend...was something odd and out-of-sorts for us both. It was the first time we had a real conflict, and it made for a very uneasy weekend.

Story --- there was this whole thing that I had with Michael. It was pristine...completely unscathed, untarnished...just wonderful. Most people call it that "honeymoon period". Granted, we didn't always agree on stuff, but, generally, we were floating on cloud nine. Both of us....and then, a couple of weeks ago, I started getting this weird feeling in my stomach. It was the same feeling I had had with a former partner, and I was thinking it was just me being insecure. Long story made short- last weekend was basically the validating event for my feelings. The whole thing really seemed to blow up in my face.

Point --- for those of you who don't know, I won't go into the last couple of major relationship problems in which I was involved. Let's just say this - the last one made me always feel bad about myself....not because of anything he said or did, but there was NO reassurance about how he felt about me. He never said anything that gave me reason to believe that he was truly interested in me....it was more that he was lonely, and he wanted someone to occupy his time. Fine....I learned from that, and I moved on. The one before that was obsessed...and he made mistakes very early on in the relationship that led me to mistrust him completely.

Bottom line --- I basically have not ever been a relationship where I truly trusted someone. There were levels of trust, but there was always some insecurity in myself that caused me to distrust that boy/man. So....with Michael, I was very, VERY wary and leery of what I was doing with him. I was keeping him at arms' length. I was keeping my feelings for him tucked away safely, so as to avoid any pain that comes with being vulnerable.

As time has gone on, though, I trusted Michael. I allowed myself to open up to him...and I really, REALLY opened up to him. In fact, I've opened up more to him than ANYONE ever before in my life. I was really, really allowing myself to act on the feelings that I had for him, and BOOM! Last Friday, we argue over something stupid...and the relationship begins a tumble.

I felt rejected...and when I feel rejection, I run. That's how I do it. Back in the day, I would sit there and try to convince the guy that I was worth dating, and I would usually get shot down. I would try to change the rejection...almost a glutton for punishment. I learned that was a bad way of going about things. So, now, when I feel rejection, I just check out. I'm respectful enough to go to the guy and tell him that I'm leaving. If it's a heavy relationship, I might actually stick around for a while, but those feelings are there...those feelings of "I just got f-ed over, and I need to move on!"

I felt this overwhelming rejection from Michael after a few days of knowing something was not right.....and, from what I found out later, I was being the needy, clingy girlfriend that wanted to be with him every waking moment of our free time, which is VERY limited. He felt smothered...felt crowded...and he let me know, but he didn't say it was about needing some alone time at first. It was just this undeniable presence of him not wanting to be with me. It was hurtful...it was painful...mostly, though, it was embarrassing because I vowed never to be in that place again with a man.

After time and communication, we have worked it out to an extent. I found out that I was just being myself, and he was having some "cold feet" issues...being single for a long time had put him in a place where he didn't quite know how to feel about being a couple.

PROBLEM: I am sooooo gunshy at this point. I don't want to do all the things I was doing to show him how much I love him. I feel like a stupid idiot for wanting to show my affection for him....don't wanna text...don't wanna call...don't wanna really look at him in the eye. It is soooo hard for me to get over this. I guess it's because I'm thinking he's gonna be like all the rest. It's possible that this relationship has become something less than special...it's possible that it's become something like the other ones. That breaks my heart.

Wish I knew what to do with the feelings. It's hard to trust...hard to let my love show again. I just don't want to be let down again...don't want to be rejected.

2011 - My Year in Review

Well, 2011 started off in a tasty way. The first thing I did in the new year was eat tasty tamales with my son. I reaffirmed my addiction to Facebook by posting a ton of incredible status updates.

Yeah…this year brought a ton of changes. Most of them started with last year’s big move back into Austin from Kyle. I ended my 8 ½ year relationship with my last boyfriend. That was a bit of life-changer…all for the better, of course, but a life changer, nonetheless. With that new-found freedom, I finally had the guts to ask the good professor (Becker, for those of you that remember!) out on a date. The date never happened…just got too busy, but I honestly believe it’s God’s doing that we never ended up on that date. I wanted to go eat Mediterranean food with him. I went without him, and I discovered a whole new world that became my life for about 5 months.

So, let’s do a month-by-month.

January – I spent time hanging out with my son, learning how to do Hatha flow, and dealing with issues with my apartment complex. I stopped with the heavy yoga love about 4 months later, and the issues with my apartment complex got settled quickly once I found the real owners. Good month for me.

February – It snowed, and I spent the day playing in the snow with my son. What an amazing young man…he turned 12…the last year before hitting those crazy teenage years. I discovered my passion for law by being in a special ed law class with Dr. Fred Hartmeister….totally made me happy and blew my mind. By far, this has been my favorite class in grad school. I also visited a new state (Kentucky) in February…went with Dr. Pogrund to meet and rub shoulders with the best and brightest in the visual impairment business. I was alone for Valentine’s Day, and I tried to remedy that by proposing to Liam Neeson via Facebook. Apparently, he didn’t get the memo because he never sent an answer!

March – Lots of loss and hardship with this month. Two colleagues of mine from work were in a serious car wreck, resulting in some major damage.....and a reminder that life is awfully short. My cousin, Michelle, passed away, as did David Herin, a friend from high school band who bravely battled cancer for a long, long time. One of my closest friends in college, Joseph Garcia, took a risk by trying to have a much-needed heart transplant, and he did not make it. I didn’t realize it until I just looked at my journal and my posts, but I lost some very important people in March. I also decided to give up some things for Lent. I gave up alcohol, facebook, and Dr. Becker. I know, I know….I was supposed to have given up on him years ago, but I really made the break. Again, as we get to December, this break makes more sense to me than anything else I’ve done all year. I took my son deep-sea fishing for Spring Break, and, once again, I got deathly ill on the ship after we got out to fish, and I spent my day sleeping, while my child hooked a couple of huge king mackerel and a shark that got away cuz the deck hand was too slow! Excellent trip!

April – End of Lent….I did not stick with my FB sacrifice or the attempt to stay on the wagon, but I stuck with giving up the man. Like I said earlier, I went ahead and ate Mediterranean food without him, and I met a man that changed my world for a short period of time. What got me was his voice…he sang to me an Egyptian love song, and it blew me away. All I could do was sit, stare, and smile. Then, he continued to impress me with the best falafel and baba ganoush that I have ever experienced….and it was an EXPERIENCE with food, not just a meal. I really kicked it up a notch in the exercise department, and I started seeing some very apparent changes in my body. I stopped feeling like a fat girl for the first time in over 3 years.

May – Fairly uneventful month, other than I spent more time with the singing chef, and I finished my first year of doctoral school. The one major mentionable was the fact that I almost burned my apartment down while trying to heat up the oil for fondue. The situation was overwhelming and scary…and it made me reaffirm my belief in those things that remain unseen, like the hand of God that put out the fire that should have taken down my whole building. As soon as I gave up, walked out of the apartment, and told my son that we were gonna lose everything, the fire went out. It was a miracle…and the police officer that allowed me to cry on his chest really just sealed the miracle deal for me. Glad that May is behind me.

June – I started swimming, and I sent my son on a whirlwind tour of camps and visiting the relatives. I worked in summer school once again…this year, I was asked to teach Rock Band, and it was amazing. The singing chef started to become more and more of a fixture in my life, which caused me to start studying Arabic. Yeah…really…Arabic. Yalla, baby!!!

July – Finished both summer school and summer classes for my doc program. I started my journey into Netflix land, and I started going to see live music again after a long hiatus. The singing chef left the country for a month, so I was out and about. It was nice to know that I’m not too old to dance the night away at the Broken Spoke and still be able to get up and make church the next morning. Kinda reminded me of Stella Boes on a Geezinslaws night back in the day!

August – I turned 36 years old…close to 40 than 30….closer to 50 than to 20. I worked my way up to swimming 1 ½ miles at Deep Eddy pool. My body was in amazing shape just from a month of swimming. The singing chef returned from abroad and brought with him a few gifts…one of which would be the undoing of our time together (thankfully! Again, God definitely has my interest in mind!). I rediscovered my love for dancing in clubs on 6th Street, but I also discovered that being 36 years old on 6th Street is not as fun as it was when I was 21. Go figure.

September – I was happy to be back into the full swing of things. The singing chef went by the wayside after an explosive Sunday evening chat, and I was more than relieved that it was finished. I found a love for Arabic music, dance, and language, and I also now have a discriminating taste when it comes to Middle Eastern food. I also understand that some men from the Middle East are mostly selfish, and they tend to take advantage of those who will do things for them….take what you can get and give little or nothing in return. Super valuable life lesson learned! We welcomed a new Darst into the world…welcome, Baby Lillie! Oh…and by September 28th, I reconnected with this amazing man named Michael Batchellor. All I can is, “WOW!”

October – Solidified the long-term committed relationship with Michael. I know it seems super-fast, but he and I have known each other for years, and this was just bound to happen. I missed Halloween with my son for the first time ever because I had to be in class on Halloween night. This year has brought a lot of firsts…not so many of them are good. It is what it is.

November – Lots of things for which to be thankful. I experienced something that I have never experienced before with Michael….I am finally able to trust someone with my whole heart and soul. It is the scariest thing I have ever done, but I know that Michael was put here to protect my heart. He does an incredible job. This month also marked the month in which I severed ties with a couple of people who probably never really needed to be in my life in the first place. One of the losses is quite regrettable, but the other is just fine. I have resolved that things are exactly as they are supposed to be. The best thing that happened in November was my son’s debut as the lead role in Pirates of Penzance. Wow!!!

December – The best month of the year so far. It’s been a major roller coaster, but I am so happy that I can feel all of the feelings that have come with this month. I spent time with my family…had THE BEST Christmas Eve morning tacos with a large group of family. This touched me more than anything. I made my first B in grad school, which hurt my ego quite a bit. I helped to put on an amazing Big Show at my school, and enjoyed the last week of school with one of my favorite students, JOT. I played some decent bass at the annual work Christmas party, and then got the most devastating news of the year…that the Becker, the man I wanted for 18 long years, has cancer. I am certain this is why God intervened back in December/January/February. If I had been given the opportunity to fall in love with this man just to have him taken away by such a nasty disease like cancer, I am not sure how I would have coped. Harald changed my life, and I am going to do my best to give as much in return as I can. Two days after that, my dad gave me the best Christmas present he’s ever given me. I met Michael’s family, and I am trying to figure out how to make next year a million times better than this one.

I loved this year. It was a year of major growth…a year of loss…a year of gain. I am thankful to all of y’all who shared it with me, and I can’t wait to take on all that 2012 has for us all! Thank you, 2011….it’s been real! Bring it on, 2012! Happy New Year!

My Mamaw

So....I was just sitting here today wondering why this past week has been so incredibly difficult for me. Tons of bad news, lots of pressure and stress, and the end of the semester just kept rolling over and over in my head as the explanations for my state of mind. I know, I know the daily comments and status updates are full of love and hope and happiness, thanks to my incredible partner, Michael, but there has been an underlying current of melancholy and a crazy, four-day bout with an upset stomach that got me wondering if there's something I'm missing.

So...this morning, I look up at the calendar, and I see the date. It's December 6. I have always hated this date. I know, I know...how can one hate St. Nicholas' Day? Well, it's obviously not because of St. Nick. It didn't really hit me until I was thinking about something I heard over the weekend....a song I heard that reminded me of my Mamaw. It's almost unreal to me, but, 25 years ago today, she left this earth for her home in heaven. For most of you who are not my family, you would say that we all miss our grandparents or other relatives when they die....and even my family would know a little more of the depth behind my feelings related to her passing. Thing is...I have not ever really understood the depth of my feelings related to her passing. At the time, I was devastated....my world spun out of control, as that same year was the year my parents split up, and the same year a lot of other really bad things went on my life. If 1986 had a "do-over" button, I'd hit it in a heartbeat. Needless to say, my Mamaw's death sent me reeling....but, not until recently, have I come to understand her and her love for me.

Being a parent will make you finally see things your parents always tried to tell you, but that you thought were pointless and perhaps even senseless. My Mamaw was like a parent to me....don't get me wrong, though. My mom and my dad were parenting me, but my Mamaw parented me just as much. She taught about how to love Jesus...about how to trust people...about how to believe in things unseen and unheard....about how to love unconditionally....about true acceptance. Many people knew her in other ways, but I knew her as this incredible woman with the patience of Job. She always took me to get a Justaburger with cheese, small fries, and a strawberry shake on Wednesday nights. She would watch Lawrence Welk on Saturday nights. She would have afternoon cartoons on every day---Tom and Jerry! She would cook red beans and rice with bread and butter for lunch...always with Kool-aid, of course. She would watch the Incredible Hulk and Dukes of Hazzard with me, and I would watch Dallas with her. I knew she loved her soap operas..Ryan's Hope, All My Children, As the World Turns, and Guiding Light. I knew she loved the Price is Right and Wheel of Fortune. She liked cheddar cheese. She liked pickled pig's feet on occasion. She showed me how to fill out her checks and help her pay her bills. She showed me how to dust and polish the table in the den. She even let me play that devil's music (my newest Twisted Sister or Motley Crue tape) even though it gave her a headache. She would sit in her chair and rock....she would drive in her blue Gremlin....and then the Nova after our wreck. She let me feed her when she was in the hospital...let me hold her hand and told me I was the best little helper. I even watched my last Saturday night episode of Wheel of Fortune this night 25 years ago....just cuz I knew she would be watching it, too.

She always took so much care of me, and I was able to get the chance to start taking care of her. I have never, ever known such comfort or security as I did with her. Can't quite believe that she's been gone for 25 years. I miss you, Mamaw. I love you.

This night is for you, Lucille Irene Rowley.

I know you all wanna know....

So...it's been a while since I last checked in. I feel like I need a major brain dump, so here goes.

Let's start with the newest addition to my life....the man of the hour: Michael. Yes, folks....ANOTHER Michael in my life. Actually, he's been in (and out) of my life since 1997. Technically, he met my best friend and her sister and my other besties back in 1996....the sister (Sara) was working at Denny's on Oltorf (yes...the same one that we used to "live" at, and the one where I worked for a short time) when this guy, Michael, worked there. He and Sara became fast friends...hanging out, doing some music stuff. At the time, Sara lived with my best friend (her sister), Jean, and my other best friends, Erin and Anne. They still lived in the Disco Den on Riverside...the apartment with the killer parties in 1996. I took off and went to Germany for a while, and Sara took my spot in the DD. So...that's when Michael technically came into my life, even though I wasn't there to meet him face-to-face. Once I got back to Austin in 1997, though, I made Michael's acquaintance. It was really a great match. We used to love to play music together...we would play lots of stuff that nobody else would play with me, like Eagles stuff and Beatles stuff and 80's hair metal ballads and the like. We hung out quite a bit back then...I was at his apartment frequently. There were definitely some sparks back then, too. We once tried to kiss each other, but it was kinda awkward, and we decided just to be friends. Well, there was one other night after that where he had walked me to my truck, and I proceeded to kiss him. That was a kiss that I have always remembered...can see the whole event just like it was last night. The expression on his face...the smile I had on mine...our conversation about the kiss. It was incredible, and that was it. I went on to marry Chris and start a family with him, and he went on to marry his ex-wife and start a family with her. That was 15 years ago, and we just chalked our kiss up to, well, just that...just a kiss and nothing more.

On and off throughout the years, Michael and I have gotten together...tried to play some music, sent a couple of emails here and there...just checking in and wondering how the other was doing. There was never a point in time when we were both single during these communications. We were happy to hear from each other, but we also maintained our distance and separate lives. Back in the spring, I saw a post from Michael, and I wrote to him asking him where he was. He had moved out of Austin to the Dallas area, and getting that response was actually disappointing for me. I can't explain it, but, at that moment, I was kinda sad. It was just one more of those emails to "catch up and check in," but the response was a little hard on me. Now I get why, but I didn't get it back then.

So, in the summer, Michael commented on a video I posted. He was giving me crap about a song I posted. He and I have very similar tastes in music, and we agree about almost everything music-related. There are moments where he and I don't see eye to eye, and it always makes for a funny comment....and it always puts a smile on my face. His comment was about a pop song that I liked this summer, and I smiled so much about it. Then...back to the "off the radar" status for us both. He was doing his thing, and I went on doing mine.

Then, I saw a post from him in September. I emailed him and found out that he was back in Austin. I suggested we meet up, grab a drink, and really catch up. We went to my new fave hang-out (Cheko's) for a tasty beer and some dinner. He walked into the restaurant, and I stood up....I was SOOOO excited to see him. I hadn't laid eyes on him in a years. I was thrilled. We hugged, and it felt so familiar and so comfortable. Needless to say, we sat down, talked, laughed, and had a fantastic time. We ended up going bowling afterward. We tried that kiss again, and, this time, we actually listened to our hearts. We decided we should try another round of bowling later in the week.

Bowling led to another date...restaurant..out to eat...nothing amazing, but I noticed that things were comfortable. More emails and talking and chatting...like two teenagers. The thing was that, for me, this was so easy. I know Michael...I trust Michael....and I already loved Michael in many ways. It was just like strapping on my favorite guitar...very familiar, very comfortable, very exciting, and very right.

So, yeah....we are still in the early stages of stuff, but things look really promising for me. This relationship with Michael brings with it a lot of firsts for me. I feel at ease with Michael...this is a first for me. I don't have to prove myself to him....he knows who I am, and he's getting to know all the parts of who I am -- my good parts, my bad parts, my attitudes and opinions, my mood swings, my preferences -- and he's still here. I'm doing the same with him, and I'm still here. We are seeing each other for who we really are, and we like each other. He is my best friend...and he says I am his. Another first: there is no "other guy" in the background lurking in my head. There was always another man back there in my mind for the whole of my dating life...might not have always been the same man, but there was always "another" back there. That man with the promise of "if this one doesn't work out, then I can have him" kinda thing. I don't have that with Michael...and I don't want it ever again. I am relieved about that. Really, really relieved. Another first: he is honest with me. Just saying. No deceptions, no lies, no hiding, no sneaking, no covert operations at friends' houses...just pure, unadulterated honesty. Sometimes, it's brutally honest...sometimes I don't like what he has to say, but I appreciate the honesty. Best part is -- I get to be honest right back to him. Another first: No worries. I am frightened by what I do in this relationship, since this looks like it's going to be the only one I'll be in for the rest of my life, but I am not worried. I want to do this relationship correctly, so I'm really making sure to take things slowly...really being methodical and true to myself in every part of it. I am aware and conscious of everything, but I am NOT worried. Such an amazing feeling.

Michael. Yeah.

More later.

Blame God?

So...today, I was sitting in church, and I was listening to our pastor. Over the last few weeks, the pastors have been preaching on the theme of faith and relying on God in all situations, and we have hit on some really hard topics.

The one thing that keeps coming up in the sermons is that, apparently, a lot people tend to blame God for things. For instance, when a loved one dies suddenly, accidentally, and without warning, some people blame it on God or the lack of God's protection or intervention. When a natural disaster occurs, there are people who will blame God or say that God caused that disaster to happen. Mostly, though, some people blame God in their times of trouble.

I got a few other lessons out of the message today, but the one thing that keeps resonating in my heart and soul is that whole idea of people blaming God. I have never blamed God for anything. In fact, when I look back upon the trials and tribulations through which I have lived, I never recall 1) feeling like God was to blame, 2) feeling alone or abandoned by God, or 3) feeling that God had anything to do with the bad situation at hand.

For instance, when my Mamaw died when I was 11, that was the worst time of my life up until that point....and it stayed as the worst moment of my life for years afterward. I never once blamed God for that loss...never once thought that God had anything to do with her death. My thought was that she was sick, and that her body just gave out. She was supposed to go at that time, in that place, and in that way.

Another thought....the whole idea of major tragedies...natural disasters, terrorist attacks, genocide, war, abuse, neglect....in all of these instances, bad things happened to good people. I am of the understanding that all things in this life happen JUST AS THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. God doesn't cause bad things....God isn't the "one" to blame when bad things happen. Those things that happen because they are supposed to be that way at that time and in that way.

Now, I'm hearing a couple of mutterings among the masses...two, in particular:
1) So, if God doesn't cause bad things to happen, then what about the good things? Why do you praise God and thank God when the good things happen, and not blame him when the bad things happen?
AND
2) You are trying to tell me that my child being killed at a young age in a car accident or because of a drug overdose or because of a fatal disease happened because it was SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN??

As for 1....that's easy. God is to be praised in all situations, good or bad. God gives us a new day each time we wake up after a good sleep. God knows the path upon which we are all moving, and the things in that path are ruled by the laws of nature, the freedom of choice that all humans possess, and by His divine intervention. Whether we know it or not, God's plan might not make any sense to us. We might never understand why bad things happen, but maybe they are not BAD, per se. Maybe they are just stepping stones...maybe they are learning moments...maybe they are steps in time that cause us to pause, jump out of our routine, and give us reason to evaluate the worth and purpose of our remaining time here on earth.

For 2...that's a hard one. Again, I have been to hell and back many times. I understand how much I wish and pray to God that certain situations could be marked as "do overs", and that I could have a chance to try again. I wish to hear my Mamaw's voice coming from her mouth...and to see her face standing in front of me instead of in some flat, lonely photo. Yeah....those things happen for a reason, and they happen exactly as they are supposed to happen. Just like everything in this life...there is a REASON....a PURPOSE.

We just have to be open to embracing it.